When envisioning what we would like our future husband or wife to be like, invariably, we draw a certain picture in our minds. We may have had such an image in our head for a few years, or perhaps even longer. But as we grow more mature and gain experience in the world of dating, we hopefully realize that the picture we imagine will not completely translate into reality. There is no one exactly like the person we dream of, and pining for such a thing will only lead to disappointment and heartache. Without question, we should not compromise on the qualities that we need in a relationship, but we must be practical and know how people really are and how relationships really work.
The following personal story was shared by a man, who learned many lessons along his path of dating, and in hindsight, offered the following advice: My name is David. I am a single, 36-year-old Jewish man, and I would like to take a few moments to talk to my fellow single men and women out there. Like many of you, I started on the dating scene at the age of 23. I was extremely accomplished from a young age, and I felt that I needed a girl on par with me. That led me to come up with a list of requirements for my future wife: Beautiful, outgoing, worldly, put-together, accomplished, smart, high-achiever, bubbly but not too loud, from a good family. The list went on, but I’ll stop here. I was putting together a fantasy woman that did not exist.
As soon as I started dating, I was bombarded with suggestions of girls who seemed to fit the bill. It was overwhelming. Every time I went out with a great girl, I would get a call from a friend who had another fantastic girl, and then another fantastic girl. Each one sounded better than the next. I could barely concentrate on the girl I was dating because I had my mind already set on the next girl. The thought therefore always crossed my mind, “What if I could do better?” At times, I got somewhat serious with a girl but then I would notice some imperfection about her, and I would simply give up on the shidduch. I believed that I would meet someone with even more of the characteristics I was fantasizing about. But as I approached my upper 20s and 30s, I looked at my married friends who were building families while I was still single. Here I was, personable, capable, talented, successful, and where was I?
I had a ton going for me, yet I looked at all of my friends who had families and wondered how they got so lucky. How had they found the perfect match so early on while I, Mr. accomplished, was still looking? Not once did I take a look at myself and my dating methods and techniques and think that maybe I was doing something wrong. Not once did I think that I had the wrong mindset.
Until recently, I was still looking for the same thing I was looking for at age 23. When I look back at all the opportunities I passed up when I was in my 20s, I feel like a fool for having given up on so many girls who would have been great wives and mothers. Now I have realized this one simple truth: There will never be that “perfect person.”
I know that sounds harsh. Trust me though. I wish I realized this when I was in my 20s. Instead, I was lost while I was being bombarded with the opportunity to meet so many wonderful girls, and I was unable to focus on the one I was with.
I recently decided to take a poll of my married friends, and I asked them if they thought their wives were perfect for them when they were dating. Every single one responded, “No, I knew she wasn’t perfect, but I also knew that she was good enough. I knew she would make a great wife and a mother, and I was attracted to her.”
Every man said that they relied on the positive qualities they saw. They saw more pluses than minuses, and no significant one minus that really annoyed them. They took the steps towards engagement, got married, and have ever since been working together to become wonderful spouses for each other.
Now I realize the right way to date. Until now, I was hung up on my wants for the girl to be “this and that.” If she didn’t have all those qualities, I would worry that I was making the wrong choice. Caught in this vicious cycle for years, I am now 36 years old. My current prospects are not what I had 10 years ago. I realize where I was wrong, and what I could have done differently.
We pave our own paths in life. Perfection is something to strive for within ourselves, but we mustn’t subject someone else to that barometer. Because if you have that attitude like me, you’ll always be imagining someone more perfect.
The words of David ring true and say it all. People are human with flaws and foibles, and there will never be a human being who is an angel, as much as we would like to imagine. Given who we are and are situation in life, we must be both thoughtful and practical. Everyone will have their own set of flaws, and looking for someone “better” merely means exchanging one set of flaws for another.
Having said this, it must be emphasized that you should never settle with someone who you do not genuinely feel you mesh with. David’s point is simply that we mustn’t look for greener pastures everywhere we turn, not that we should marry someone because we are a certain age or at a certain place in our lives and we just “need to get married.” The worst decision in life is just to get married for status or because your friends are, and only realize shortly thereafter that you made a mistake. You do not want to go down that road.
Along the above lines, Rav Avigdor Miller zt”l was wont to recall the well-known Gemara (Gittin 56a): Marta bat Baitos was one of the wealthy women of Jerusalem. During the years of famine in Jerusalem, prior to the destruction of the Second Beis Hamikdash, she sent her servant to bring her some fine flour from the market. By the time he went, the fine flour was already sold. He returned to her and said, “There is no fine flour, but there is ordinary flour.” She then said to him, “Go and bring me ordinary flour.” By the time he went, the ordinary flour was sold. He returned to her, and said, “There is no ordinary flour, but there is coarse flour.” She said, “Go and bring me coarse flour.” By the time he went, the coarse flour was already sold. He returned and said, “There is no coarse flour, but there is barley flour.” She said to him. “Go and bring me barley flour.” By the time he went, the barley flour was already sold.
Marta bat Baitos removed her shoes and said, “I will go out myself and see if I can find something to eat.” She stepped on some dung, which stuck to her foot, and overcome by disgust, she died.
Rav Avigdor Miller used to cite this Gemara as it relates to shidduchim, bearing a similar semblance to that which David emphasized. If our attitude is that there is already “someone else out there,” and we are always looking over our shoulder, we will never be happy. True, there is someone who is more talkative than the person you are dating now, but they are not as soft. They may be more successful, but they are not as family-minded. If all you look for in someone are all the perfect, stellar qualities, colloquially termed the “shmorgasboard syndrome,” and you turn the other way as soon as you see a fault, you will continue to search and search and may never find what you really need.
But, as mentioned, if there is a quality in the person you are dating that is of real concern or genuinely bothers you, then do not take it lightly. Never listen to someone who convinces you to get married and tells you, “Don’t worry… everything will work out once you are married.” Never, ever push concerns and issues down the line into marriage. Make sure you are absolutely thrilled to get married, and nothing less. That excitement and exuberance just needs to be balanced with a dose of reality, which as David has showed us, will pave a road you will be happy you traveled down.
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