At the end of November 1983, I walked into my supervisor’s office to submit my resignation from the out-patient mental health clinic where I had been employed for 11 1⁄2 years. Pinchas, my supervisor, asked where I was going. I replied that I was planning to expand my private practice from part time to full time. Pinchas quietly mulled over what I had told him. Then he said, “I’m glad that you have decided to leave the agency.” I was quite taken aback. Was my supervisor pleased to be rid of me? Had he secretly been hoping I would leave? Before taking his comment as an insult, I decided to ask for clarification. “Pinchas, what do you mean by that?”
“Well, I mean, therapists like you are really better off working in a private practice setting.”
Now I had even more questions. I was leaving anyway, I thought, so there’s no harm in
pressing for further clarification. “What do you mean; ‘therapists like you’ are better off in private practice?”
“Well, I mean, therapists like you and Yaakov Salomon (a coworker who had left the agency two years earlier) who share the same philosophy of clinical practice.”
“What ‘philosophy’ are you talking about?”
“You believe that you should use whatever approach will work.” “Of course,” I acknowledged freely, feeling much less defensive. “What other philosophy of practice is there?”
“There’s also agency policy and things like that to which you never paid much attention.”
We both smiled warmly and knowingly at each other and then went on to reminisce about
old times at the agency. Pinchas was on target about my philosophy of practice: Use whatever works, especially whatever works best. In treating couples, I have found that concentrating on the patterns of communication between husband and wife is consistently helpful.
But can focusing on such a superficial matter as communication really improve the quality
of a couple’s overall marriage? Can such minor external behavioral changes lead to significant progress and growth? Can all marriages really be enhanced simply by upgrading communication skills?
The answer, of course, is YES. And Judaism very much supports the notion that people can
change the way they think and feel simply by changing the way they act. The Sefer Hachinuch (Parshas Bo, Mitzvah 16) puts it this way: “Now, my son, listen to this with discernment. And bend your ear and listen. I will teach you to succeed in Torah [study] and [the performance of] mitzvos. Know that man is influenced by his actions. And his heart [and mind] and all his thoughts are constantly [influenced] by his deeds, whether for good or bad … Because hearts [and minds] are drawn after actions … Therefore, consider [very carefully] your job and occupation because you will be affected by them and not the other way around.”
A similar concept is articulated by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzato (Mesilas Yesharim, Chapter
7): “External movements [of a person] awaken internal ones. And certainly, [a person] has
more control of his external [actions] than his internal [thoughts and feelings]. But if
[a person] will use what is under his control, he will eventually be able to procure that
which is not [currently] under his control.”
What these two sages are saying is that our actions influence our attitudes, even if we are
only going through the motions. Applying this to the husband/wife relationship, therefore, we could say that if couples learn to speak to each other in a more constructive and effective manner with less resentment and strife, it can have a profound impact on their entire marriage.
Hopefully, your marriage is in good shape. And if the marital communication skills
described in this column helped at-risk marriages, these same techniques can most certainly improve any marriage. But even if you are very happily married, as I hope you are, there may still be some room for improvement. And if you can make a good marriage better by investing only 10 minutes a day (not including the time it takes you to read this column), wouldn’t it be a shame not to take advantage of the opportunity?
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Dr. Meir Wikler is a noted psychotherapist and family counselor in full-time private practice with offices in Brooklyn, N.Y. and Lakewood, N.J. He is also a prolific author and sought after public speaker.
This article has been reprinted with the permission of the author and publisher from Ten Minutes a Day to a Better Marriage: Getting Your Spouse to Understand You by Dr. Meir Wikler (Artscroll, 2003).