WARNING: The Following is FAKE NEWS AND IS SATIRICAL IN NATURE
After Amazon disrupted the health food market by buying Whole Foods, speculation ran wild regarding Amazon’s next grocery move. Many predicted that Amazon would set it sights on the $500 million US kosher food market and start by purchasing the popular Seasons supermarket chain. Those rumors were quashed today when Seasons announced via press release that it had acquired Amazon for an estimated $400 billion.
We were able to reach Seasons spokesperson Meilich Bloomberg to ask why Seasons, a David in the food and retail field, decided to take on the international merchandising Goliath. Meilich said, “After we saw what happened to Whole Foods, our directors got nervous and chose to nip any takeover urges from Amazon in the bud.”
We asked, “Were you concerned that Amazon would insist on Seasons lowering its prices?” Meilich replied, “We are very proud of the variety of fresh and prepared foods that we offer to the kosher public. We felt that Amazon would not understand our customers and thus not know how to value our products. But it wasn’t just the prices. Once Amazon starts giving orders we felt it would just be a matter of time until they insisted on our compromising kosher standards. And that was something we would never consider.”
We asked, “Did you feel the $400 billion was a fair price?” Meilich nodded vigorously. “Some experts have valued the company at over $450 billion, so we thought we got a pretty good deal. We also looked at the company and found areas of potential growth. I can’t say any more about that but our investors are exceedingly optimistic.”
We were glad he mentioned investors, become that opened the door to address the elephant in the room. “How on earth did you come up with investors to the tune of $400 billion?” Meilich chuckled. “Frankly, we didn’t think we could pull it off. But once the word got out around the Five Towns it only took a few days to round up a dozen or so guys to get involved. I think our investors want to be known as the chevra who took on Jeff Bezos in the eye and won.”
We were getting ready to ask about Shabbos drones and reported negotiations with Alibaba, but Meilich had to take a call and shooed us out of the office.
(WRITTEN BY ZADYGAGA FOR ONLYSIMCHAS FAKE NEWS DEPARTMENT)
WOW Cant belive it – Mazal tov to Seasons
I think I just got dumber reasing this
IS this real?
NO it clearly says ‘Fake News’
This may be cute for the website [its not but I guess that’s objective] but it is very misleading to put this article in Instagram without saying it’s false. If you want to make a fake article on a site which claims to usually have news have some sort of signal or tag to show it.
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