Q & A with Michelle Mond: What’s Going to be with Dating Through the Current Pandemic?

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Question:
Being in Shidduchim as it is, is such a difficult and vulnerable place to be. How are we, the singles, supposed to continue dating during covid-19 , or should we push off shidduchim altogether? What is the responsible thing to do?

Answer:
We as a community are in very uncharted territory. So much of our daily routines as Jews involve being together in close contact. From minyanim, to shiurim, to sitting in the bais medrish. We now have to become accustomed to just the opposite in order to preserve the health of ourselves and others. Despite all that, we do have to begin thinking about the future. We do not put davening and learning on hold just because we can not have a minyan. The same is true for Shidduchim. It is now more important than ever to come to terms with our new reality. We have already heared updated halachos touching upon every aspect of our lives. Halachos have been amended based on our current limitations. We are already hearing updated halachos and leniencies regarding Pesach preparation, toiveling keilim, etc. The nature of our simchos worldwide have been drastically changed. In similar vein, we can not halt potential shidduchim from happening; we just have to change how they happen.

When klall yisroel got to the Yam Suf with a wild ocean on one side and the mitzrim on the other, it seemed to be an impossible situation. There was no good potential outcome one could think of al pi teva (according to the laws of nature). However we all know that is not how the story ended.

The brave Nachshon Ben Aminadav knew that proper hishtadlus still had to be done. As the cholvos ha’lvavos says, if we hold back from doing hishtadlus, Hashem can not bring the shefa he wants into the world. According to the Chovos Ha’levavos one must have bitachon only in conjunction with proper hishtadlus; one may not rely on a miracle. Despite the fact that we know Hashem is capable of helping someone in many different ways, including via miracles; one must do whatever he can and not rely on bitachon alone. With the introduction of the deadly corona virus at large in our communities, we must accept that for now this is our new world. Having spoken to many medical professionals, at best this is a situation that will last months. We must adjust our means of hishtadlus when it comes to dating accordingly.

Hashem does not make open miracles, and the only way one can achieve an outcome is by providing a kli, a vessel, for Hashem to make it happen within the realm of nature. For Bnei Yisroel at krias yam suf it was Nachson who took the brave steps into the ocean up to his neck, for Hashem to accept this hishtadlus and lift the waters of the ocean allowing bnei yisroel to walk through it. The same is true today. With our limited knowledge, we do not understand how it would be possible for shidduchim to work out if couples’ only means to meet is through FaceTime, skype and zoom. However we must also recognize that Hashem creates the refuah before the makah. This is the first time our generations have faced such a challenge. It is also the first time in history that a society has faced such a seemingly communication limiting challenge, with such advanced communication technology. We must learn from Nachson Ben Aminadav at the yam suf and jump into a new age of dating that might seem like it would drown us.

It might seem like there is no way for this to work. Thoughts going through your head might be, “This is crazy” or “Why am I even doing this? Will we ever even be able to meet?” Let Hashem handle those answers, because when you are doing the only possible hishtadlus available to you, you can comfortably raise up your hands and leave the rest up to G-d. Perhaps this way, people will end up meeting their bashert due to this unconventional situation. It is the first time in history where singles from all over the country are on the same playing field. Using FaceTime to go on a virtual date with someone in London or Belgium is just as close as Brooklyn to Queens.

Let’s use this amazing opportunity to date the way Hashem made possible at this point in time. People might meet others whom they would not normally have said yes to and when introduced, recognize something unique and special. For now, FaceTime, Skype and Zoom dating will be the way for singles to continue to go on dates in addition to speed-dating that is already taking place through moderated Zoom meetings. With Zoom, as you get more comfortable, you can share screens, play games (battleship/hangman, question based games, tic-tac-toe), even a virtual paint-night using the paint app and sharing your screens!

The options are endless, we as a community just need to be open to them, and I believe we will. IY”H you should be in touch soon with good news. May you and all our readers be blessed with good health, happiness, and many simchos to share!

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Shadchanit Michelle Mond is an experienced matchmaker who caters to the Orthodox Yeshiva/Modern Machmir community. Raised in Baltimore, she is a devoted Shadchan for singles all over the world and has matched up couples as far as from Australia, to Israel, and all over North America from coast to coast. She works for the Shidduch Center of Baltimore (www.shidduchcenter.org), Saw You at Sinai, and is a part of the new Adopt-A-Shadchan network. Michelle is also a writer and regular contributor to multiple Jewish magazines including Ami, the Jewish Press, and is a weekly panelist on the syndicated weekly “Navidaters” column in The Jewish Home Magazine which grapples with difficult shidduch-related conundrums. Michelle Mond can be reached at / ShidduchCoachMD.com

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