Most of us don’t just head out on a trip, not knowing where we’re going, figuring we want to go somewhere, and that where we get to, is where we’ll want to be. Usually, we have a destination in mind when we start off on a journey. If your goal is to create a strong kesher, a strong connection, the foundation for a healthy and happy marriage, you probably want to think about what a healthy marriage looks like, so you know what you’re aiming for and will recognize it when you get there. This destination, the path to get there, the things to take into consideration, the obstacles to watch out for and overcome, the tools you’ll need along the way, are going to be the focus of this series.
We start with a definition of a healthy marriage, one with a strong connection because that is our destination. In brief, we can define a healthy marriage as one where husband and wife each see it as their tafkid/responsibility to care for their spouse – emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. In this way, with each looking out and caring for the other, both husband and wife get taken care of, but from a giving position. That doesn’t mean that one never thinks of himself or makes requests, or even ‘pushes’ for something s/he needs. It means that the healthiest and happiest marriages are ones where I think that YOU and your happiness are my responsibility. When we are emotionally, connected in this way, our home and relationship will be our refuge from life’s challenges, the place we go to find rest and comfort and completion.
So it would seem to make sense that most lectures, classes or books on marriage focus on what to give a spouse, we’ve just said that we should be in a giving position. Maybe some of what you’ll come across will start with some education about the nature of a man/husband or the nature of a woman/wife. Maybe some talks or writings will first talk in depth about what marriage is, it’s purpose and meaning. This is all important information, but is that actually where we should start when we think of heading to a healthy, happy marriage? I don’t think so. Really, the beginning of the journey to a healthy, mutually satisfying marriage is me getting to know me, not me getting to know marriage or my spouse.
Confused? Wondering how giving to my spouse starts with understanding me? Think about it this way. How does my spouse know how best to care for me? Is he going to have mental telepathy, be able to read my mind? Maybe I expect her to have above average emotional intelligence and intuitiveness, so she’ll just know? Maybe I think that we are going to be complete carbon copies of each other so I’ll just give what I would want to get and it’ll be a perfect fit. Hmmmm, no, it generally doesn’t happen that way. When we think about a healthy, happy connected marriage we have to start by thinking about and being in touch with ourselves because the only way our spouse can successfully make us feel cared for is if we are able to share what that would take, and vice versa.
Think about the following: Do you know, and could you articulate what you want from someone when you are feeling anxious, excited, disappointed, insecure or even proud? How do you feel when you are in a new situation, have had a hard day at work, or a hard time with a friend? What helps you move past difficult feelings? How do you like to handle a difficult problem or decision? Maybe it doesn’t depend on the emotion, maybe we want different things depending on the situation.
There are so many different feelings and situations that we go through in life, and when we do, we want to go through them with, or depend on our spouse at those times. That’s what makes a marriage a happy and healthy one. It can just be difficult getting to that level of connectedness. Most of us have a positive reaction when the people in our lives respond to us in a way that feels good, and we react negatively when they don’t, but can most young people starting their married life clearly articulate, in a proactive way, what they need emotionally? Can most people in general? The reality is that we don’t have much practice in this type of sharing. We have family members who we have set patterns of interaction with, some better and some worse, but set. Not only that, in the best of situations, when you have parents who are responsive and try and be attuned to and meet your emotional needs, you haven’t had to proactively come to your parents to share what your emotional needs are, they have come to you. In terms of friendships, the people who we’ve gravitated to, those who’ve become our closest friends are the ones with whom we’ve had those positive interactions with emotionally, the ones that we’ve discovered are our type along the years and so, here too, we don’t have much practice being clear about what we need and sharing, it’s just built-in.
This may explain, in part, why it sounds so easy to have a good marriage: take care of your spouse the way they want to be taken care of, and yet, we know there are an unfortunate amount of people who don’t find their marriage to be a place of comfort and rejuvenation. It’s true that sometimes people are too self-centered to worry about their spouse the way they should, but more often than not it’s actually this piece of the puzzle that people don’t have. Even when the couple does go to speak to someone, the focus is on giving to each other, which sounds right, but I’m not sure there’s enough time and focus put on making sure that each part of the couple knows themselves well enough to give the right ‘directions’ for this journey.
Our journey to a good marriage starts with us, and how well we get to know ourselves. This series is going to start there as well, stay tuned.
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Lisa Twerski, LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice, co-founder of Kesher an institute dedicated to educating couples towards creating healthy connections in their marriage and families, lectures nationally and internationally on dating, marriage and domestic violence and is the author of I’m So Confused, Am I Being Abused: Guidance for the Orthodox Jewish Spouse and Those Who Want to Help. She can be reached at lisa@keshereducation.com
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