During the initial consultation, I explained to Dovid and Esther what I mean by “effective communication.” Both spouses have to feel that they are really and truly heard and understood by each other. In addition, each spouse has to be able to express himself or herself in a clear, civil, constructive and non-confrontational, non-accusatory manner.
This is how I put it to Dovid, “When Esther senses that you really understand what is bothering her and how she feels, she will be better able and willing to listen to your concerns and your feelings. And when you learn how to speak without attacking, you will stand a better chance of your message getting through to Esther.”
Dovid took his first step toward avoiding conflicts with Esther when he directed some hostility away from her and channeled it toward me. “Are you suggesting that I have to learn how to speak to my wife?” Dovid asked, rhetorically, with an unmistakable tone of irritation in his voice. “I think I can communicate fairly well with my clients. They have no difficulty understanding me nor do I have any problems understanding them. If I did, I never would have made it to partner in my firm by the time I was 38. It seems that the only one with whom I have difficulty communicating is my wife!”
“So what you are saying, Dovid, is that you don’t understand why, at the age of 51, you should have to learn new communication skills, especially since you communicate so effectively at work. Is that right?” I asked.
“Exactly! At least you understand me. Unfortunately, my wife is the only one who doesn’t seem to be able to comprehend what I ask of her.”
I explained to Dovid and Esther that communicating with a spouse is just not the same as speaking with clients or colleagues. The dynamics are different and, in many cases, the stakes are much higher. Spouses are far more interdependent than co-workers or friends.
“You are both very pleasant people,” I said, leaning forward in my swivel chair. “And I find that I can speak freely to you. You both understand me and I think I have a good grasp of what each of you is feeling. But I do not have to live with either of you. You, on the other hand, need to learn to live more peacefully with each other. In order to do that, you are going to have to acquire some basic marital communication skills, which I can teach you.”
“If I learn your communication skills, do you think I’ll finally be able to get a cold bottle of seltzer waiting for me in the refrigerator when I get home from work each night?” Dovid wanted to know.
“Well, I cannot guarantee it,” I cautioned. “But I certainly think you’ll have a much better shot at it.”
Improved marital communication is not a one-way ticket to a blissful marriage. Expectations must be realistic. In order to get, it is necessary to give. For example, Esther felt that she needed Dovid to do a better job controlling his temper. She could handle his complaints as long as they were not followed by sarcasm or a put-down.
As I told Dovid and Esther, “You must not expect all of your needs to be met once you learn to improve your communication with each other. But you can hope to have more of your needs met than are being met now. The goal of our work is not that you will achieve everything you want. That may not be realistic. But I believe that you can get more from each other and give more to each other than you are getting and giving right now.”
Looking for the most economical route to improve his marriage, Dovid asked, “Do you have any printed guidelines for us to follow? I’m a quick reader and fast learner. Have you written any instruction books on marital communication that I can read to familiarize myself with your system and approach? It’s not that I mind coming to see you. You certainly strike me as a very pleasant fellow. It’s just that I want to reduce the tension we are experiencing at home as quickly as possible.”
Unfortunately, when I was working with Dovid and Esther, I did not have any printed material to offer them. But I tried to be a good listener and I took Dovid’s suggestion seriously.
The remainder of this column is precisely what Dovid was looking for — a step-by-step guide to learning effective marital communication skills to be used by couples at home to improve their marriages without having to consult a marriage counselor.
This column was not posted in time to help Dovid and Esther resolve their conflicts on their own. But it can help you and your spouse discard the old, ineffective methods of communication and replace them with helpful techniques to express yourselves so that you will be heard and you will feel understood.
What Dovid and Esther learned in my office, you can now learn in the privacy and comfort of your home. In the columns which follow, you will find the same tools that Dovid and Esther acquired over many weeks and which eventually led to Dovid learning to control his temper and Esther having cold seltzer waiting for Dovid in the refrigerator at the end of the day — and much, much more.
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Dr. Meir Wikler is a noted psychotherapist and family counselor in full-time private practice with offices in Brooklyn, N.Y. and Lakewood, N.J. He is also a prolific author and sought after public speaker.
This article has been reprinted with the permission of the author and publisher from Ten Minutes a Day to a Better Marriage: Getting Your Spouse to Understand You by Dr. Meir Wikler (Artscroll, 2003).
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